We're Rolling!

As you probably have imagined, there are a number of laws in the Village of Pelham, that pertain to making movies. They have to do with getting a permit, where you can legally shoot and why you should never pitch your movie as 'Lindsey Lohan's Comeback Film!'

Need to know the ins-and-outs of shooting in Pelham? Then please read the following, so you won't run afoul of the authorities. And yes, that law about no more "Transformers" sequels probably looks familiar. Every town in America is adopting it.

Now, no "commercial, movie, documentary or television program," may be filmed in our village without a permit. Of course, if it can't be classified as any of these, you have a chance. Which is why so many Adam Sandler vehicles have been shot here.

All applications for these must be submitted to the Village Clerk for final approval. Of course, it helps if you show her the screenplay and she's in it. Plus, if she saves the world by singlehandedly destroying an asteroid, you will be approved that afternoon.

Filming, videotaping or recording, shall not take place at any location for more than 3 days, without "additional approval from the Village." You know what that means. Some stage directions in which the Village helps "The Clerk" save the world. And, by day's end, you'll be approved for the whole movie. Plus, the sequel.

Filming shall not start prior to 8:00 AM or after 7:00 PM, unless you have special permission from the Village Administrator. Or, apparently, you live next to me. In which case you can do whatever you want. Now I know, in that film, they needed to re-enact the Manson murders, but couldn't they have warned me first? Especially since I was the first victim? It was a brutal way to start the day.

The "applicant" must reimburse the Village for any loss of revenues, such as "parking meter income and law enforcement revenues." As opposed to after the picture comes out. When all you have to do is reimburse the audience.

Any person who fails to obtain the permit required for filming, will be subject to a fine up to $250. If that doesn't have the desired effect, they will be forced to watch "Larry Crown." Just once. And they'll pay everything they owe. Or else? We  simply show it again.

And it may not stop there.

The Village may also pursue any and all other legal remedies against the film, if laws have been broken or fees not paid. Right up to and including the worst penalty of all: Meaning, the Village gets 'final cut.' And if this quiet little drama ends with a close-up of the Village Clerk, the audience may be confused. Plus, if she and other clerks are also seen stopping an asteroid from hitting us? Expect some pretty weird reviews. Especially, if you've made an old western.

But you will also probably get an invitation to show it in France. They love it when stuff blows up in small towns in the United States. Even, if disaster is averted. For the French? Hey, that's close enough!